Nightmare

I had a dream last night. It was one of those dreams that feels so real you still believe it for a few moments after you wake up. It was horrible and I never want to have that dream or any other similar dream again.

But unfortunately I don't control what I dream about.

Or think about.

In this dream it was as if I had traveled back in time. It was almost 2 years ago and my ex and I were still together. The only difference was I knew then what I know now. But I was trapped and couldn't stop it from happening. I just had to live through it all over again. He didn't know. This was just like the first time for him. But not for me. I knew exactly what was coming but powerless to do anything about it.

So in my dream we would be out doing something together, or cuddling on the couch, and he'd tell me that he loved me and all I could think about was how that wouldn't change the inevitable breakup. And I felt guilty and betrayed by self because I had no control over the subconscious feeling of enjoying being together.

I kept telling myself not to be fooled because even though he seemed so genuine it didn't matter. The breakup was still coming. And I needed to harden myself against the forthcoming blow but I couldn't. I kept thinking and hoping that maybe this time it would be different.

Even though I knew it wouldn't. It couldn't.

And then I woke up, thankfully before he broke up with me. This would have been the thousandth time in my head. But I still felt sad that I couldn't have slept just a little bit longer, relived the good part just a little bit more. And then I got angry at myself for feeling that way.

So I got up out of bed but that dream haunted me all day.

I dream about him often. Way more often than I should. And that makes me mad! Because I can't control it.

I just want him to go away. I just need him to leave me alone.

I'm afraid to go to sleep.