Selfishness

Is it ever ok to be selfish? And if so, when? 

I grew up being told that being selfish was wrong and something you didn't want to be. But at the same time the only examples I saw were of people being selfish instead of being unselfish. I was constantly bombarded with the wrong example, even (and especially) from the people telling me I should be unselfish.

The only truly unselfish person I know is my Grandma. I don't think she does anything for herself. Well, unless you call getting up at the crack of dawn (or earlier) to do her hair before she starts making breakfast for the rest of us, selfish. I still think she's a saint. I've always said that I want to be just like her when I grow up. I'd like to be just like her right now but I don't know how she does it! She is perfect at everything. She knows so much about so many things and she is an amazing cook!  She is the perfect example of a true servants heart. And she has so much love and she just gives it away to anyone and everyone. And I want to be like that! 

But as I've said before, when you spend all of your time and effort putting others first, all you get is last. If you try to meet other peoples needs at the sacrifice of your own, then who is supposed to meet your needs? Because in my experience everyone is selfish and your unselfishness doesn't change that.

I don't really believe in karma and all that. I do believe in consequences for your actions. But what are the consequences of good, unselfish actions? You make someone happy? There is no guarantee that you'll be "repaid" in kind. But at the same time, doesn't part of being unselfish mean that you aren't doing it for any sort of reward? Don't get me wrong, I'm totally okay with that! But it begs the question, while I am unselfishly meeting the needs of others, who meets my needs?

So don't we need to be selfish sometimes? I don't think I can survive being completely unselfish. I can only give so much before I have nothing left. And if I am not "replenished", what then? 

I still want to be unselfish. I want to serve others and I don't want to do it because I'm expecting something in return. I know from experience that you can't expect something in return. And I'm okay with that. But it's really, really hard. And it's really easy for people to take advantage of you. And not even on purpose either, it just happens. I don't think they mean to do it at all, but it doesn't make it hurt any less when it happens.

I sort of started an experiment a little over a year ago. I decided that being unselfish and serving others was the type of person I wanted to be. So I started being that person. And I loved it. I still love it. But I've also been hurt a lot, and I mean a lot, in the last year. And I feel like it's partly because I didn't worry about my own needs at all only focused on others. I never asked for anything for myself and that's exactly what I got, nothing. I don't know why I'm surprised by that. It makes logical sense. If you give everything without expecting anything then you're obviously left with nothing. And I know how true that is.

So, what do I do?

"Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,

Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?

Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin

I make the right moves but I'm lost within

I put on my daily facade but then

I just end up getting hurt again

By myself

I can’t hold on

To what I want when I’m stretched so thin

It’s all too much to take in

I can’t hold on

To anything watching everything spin

With thoughts of failure sinking in

If I turn my back I’m defenseless

And to go blindly seems senseless

If I hide my pride and let it all go on then they’ll

Take from me ‘till everything is gone

If I let them go I’ll be outdone

But if I try to catch them I’ll be outrun

If I’m killed by the questions like a cancer

Then I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer

By myself" - Linkin Park